Frustration to Joy

As I sit here in West Africa looking at the latest Ebola numbers I can’t help but feel a little discouraged. I keep hoping that I will wake up one day to find that the numbers have dropped significantly and that the outbreak is close to an end. Sadly, it seems that the numbers are not dropping and that this outbreak is far from over. My home country is one of the 3 countries that are directly affected by Ebola. About 2 months ago the decision was made to temporarily relocate my team to another country in West Africa. When we were first leaving the city 2 months ago I didn’t really know what to think or feel. I kept telling myself that this would only be for a small time and that I would get to come back home again sometime soon. Well, as I sit here writing this I can tell you that this time out of my country has been much harder than I ever thought it would be. I have been learning what it means to mourn the loss of a place and knowing that there is a horrible disease ravaging my home and there is nothing I can do to stop it but to give it up to the Father.

“We pr*y that you’ll have strength to stick it out over the long haul – not the grim strength of gritting your teeth bur the glory-strength G*d gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bring and beautiful that He has for us.” ~ Col. 1:11-12 (The Message)

I found this passage from The Word a few weeks ago and it has been on my mind ever since. I mean just the thought that He gives us strength to endure the unendurable and that that strength would spill over into joy is something that I can’t stop thinking about. I have to be honest with you though…I must say that there have been days the last 2 months when I have felt like I don’t have enough strength to endure this and that it has not been spilling over into joy, but rather frustration, anger, and bitterness. I have been angry that this disease is infecting thousands of people and truly frustrated by the responses of people. When I first came to West Africa back in April, Ebola had just broken in the news. Only about 100 cases had been reported and I thought to myself that it was not a big deal and that they would get it controlled in a few weeks. Well here I am 7 months later watching as the largest Ebola outbreak in history is taking place in Guinea, Liberia, and Sierra Leone. I never could have imagined that the outbreak would have gotten this bad.

Now I’m gonna be honest with you, it could be so easy for me to just blame the Father right now. I could be so mad and upset and ask why did He let this outbreak happen? Why did He make me leave my country? Why is He causing me to go through this heartbreak? But here is the beauty of the Father…He doesn’t have to tell us why. We just have to know and trust that He has a bigger plan and purpose for all of this. Several months ago I was reading in the devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, and I came across this passage:

“I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to the Father, not me. The Father is using me from His great personal perspective, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him. When I strop telling my Father what I want, He can freely work His will in me without hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness.”

I mean talk about a slap in the face. He can crush me…He can exalt me…do anything He chooses. There are so many days when I am sure the Father is just like, dude, get out of the way and let me work!! For those of you that know me, you know that I like to have an idea of what is coming and to have a plan. I guess the Father has really been trying to beat that out of me, because if these last 7 months have taught me anything, it is that I have to rely on Him, and Him alone. If I let frustration get in the way, if I tell the Father what I want, I will never be able to see the full amazing plan that the Father has for me. If I try to get through life under my own strength I will fail, and I will be miserable. I must let Him be my strength so that I will be able to endure it all and come out on the other side with joy and with total faith in Him.

All this being said, please know that this is a constant, and daily fight for me. I think sometimes we like to blame our attitude on our circumstances, but a lot of the time we are the ones that choose to be angry, bitter, or frustrated. When I wake up in the morning I have to choose that joy. I have to choose to trust in His goodness and know that He has a plan. I have to trust Him and know that even though Ebola is a horrible thing and it is keeping me from my home, that He has a greater plan for all of it. I don’t know what that plan is yet, and I may not know for a while, but I have to trust that there is one. And I’ll be honest with you, there are days when I do not choose joy, and at the end of the day I know it and I wish I had chosen differently. There are days when I let my circumstances get the best of me and I let them dictate everything about me. So know that I am far from perfect in this and I too am learning this lesson every day. But I hope that as I learn it that I will be filled with joy and that I will learn to daily trust Him.

I feel like I am just telling you all my struggles right now and showing how much I have failed recently, but I hope that by sharing this with you that you may be encouraged. My desire with this blog is not to just share really cool stories about life in West Africa, but for you to see that life is sometimes pretty tough here. My hope and pr*yer is that if you are going through a time where you don’t understand why He is doing something or where you are letting your circumstances dictate your life, that you would give it to the Father. Know that you are not alone in doing this. I am doing it everyday and so know that I am walking right alongside you in this. I always feel like it is a little easier to walk through something tough when you know that someone else is walking through it with you. But also know that the Father is walking through it with you as well. No matter what it is, He is always with you, every step of the way.